The facts in Halifax, Nova Scotia
distorted by a yankee.
August 30,2005

Halifax is a city and not much more. Yes, it has the world's deepest natural harbor, a street where wealthy people live in ostentatious luxury, the formal Garden that is almost too pristine, too tidy, where even the pigeons are polite, well-dressed, and constipated. It has also become a mecca for big time filmmaking.



A giant container ship,
leaving the port for Stuttgart














Hey mister, got any Metamucil ?









A worker, not suffering from prostatic
hypertrophy, waters the Halifax Garden

The two most exciting events this week in Halifax, Dolly Parton (yes, she brought both of them) in concert. And the third, the CBC, Canada's version of our PBS and NPR, is on strike and has very attractive pickets.

Situated on the highest hill is the Citadel, a huge fortress built in 1749 and rebuilt three times since, distinguished because no battle was ever fought there. Not a single shot. So each day, at noon, to ward off potential invaders, they fire a cannon which alerts the native Halagonians to check their watches...it's time for lunch. The fort is fiercely guarded by a dozen uniformed sentrys, which turn out to be male college students in a cushy summer job wearing bushy hats and pleated skirts. Their task is made simpler because the harbor is protected by the Canadian Navy, which consists of a fleet of four submarines that have never functioned without the threat of actually sinking and two cruisers last used in WWII.

Lynn poses behind our guide, Kim,
and a sentry in full dress





Look, I don't mean to be hurtful, as a midwestern resident of the only remaining superpower. But a flotilla of sailors from the Chicago Yacht Club, powered by spinnakers made from Dolly's brassieres, accompanied by the news and weather team from WGN, could overtake and control this place in a few hours. Not enough, you think ? Throw in the governator, " ve're takink offah ", and a scowling Clint Eastwood, " any questions....canunks ?" Make that a few minutes.

Split the city into quarters:
a) Hollywood North
b) Dollywood North
c) The Nature Conservancy, and
d) The balance to a consortium of insurance companies,
banks, and HMO's to be time-shared for wealthy
New Englanders.

An urban plan with a bonus: a source for expensive prescription drugs
at special Canadian prices.

But I digress....

So let's depart from Halifax and the caravan as we wend our way north and east up scenic NS 311, past slanted farmhouses, through Earltown (pop. 12), onto NS 256, arguably the worst road in the province, to the picturesque Balmoral Grist Mill.



A sad sight on NS 311.














A logger who had made a wrong turn
onto NS 256, stops to tighten his load




Abandoned by the logging trucks shortly after the Korean conflict (the ROAD, not the mill), the government elected to call this highway 256 by investing in a few dozen signs saying, what else, highway 256. However, they also susSPENDed any notion that they would SPEND actual money on the road. Have you ever been seasick ? Ever had morning sickness during the first trimester ? Ever welcomed the relief that vomiting provides ? Welcome to 256. I've never heard of the word... appallingly... don't know if it is an adverb or an adjective or a word peculiar to the Canadian language, but at least one local resident truly believes it exists.





A real sign, not a
photoshop delusion.




Late in the day, after a wonderful trip to the grist mill, we reach our destination, Antigonish, NS, where, I swear I am not making this up, the local newspaper is titled, "THE CASKET". I can't add anything to that.

Next stop, Cape Breton.