Let's talk Canadian
A monologue. August 15, 2005

Canada is actually a major country and as any one of thousands of goofy TV weather persons will tell you, the official source of the Cold Air Mass.










In old Quebec, caught again admiring
the mural of a great sign painter.

It also contains humans which we refer to as Canadians, who, having adopted a similar lifestyle to ours, engage in traditional American activities like driving Japanese cars and shopping at Wal-Mart to replenish their supply of cheap imports from China. Unlike us, their dominant, overbearing, and fatally flawed neighbor to the south, Canadians are divided into two groups. Men and women ? Hatfields and McCoys ? Yankees and RedSox ? Wrong, wrong, wrong. They are anglophones and francophones. After nearly four centuries they have yet to decide on a common language and decided to become bisexual. Oops. A bad word choice. Of course I mean bilingual, so everything here must be printed in two languages, side by side.
E.g., center (eng.), centre (fr.); canadian (eng.), canadien (fr.). This decision has caused two cataclysmic ripples in provincial life:
1) both groups are suspicious and have grown to despise one another.
2) neurosurgeons, previously the highest income group, have been economically displaced by sign painters.

In a previous blog, I referred to Lynn giving Ivan a "toonie". I was flooded with e-mail (3 to be exact) demanding an explanation for, "Lynn and Ivan did what ?"
Sorry, just a taste of Canadian humor. You see, here the most common currency, a $1 coin, depicts the loon (a large bird) and hence is known as a "loonie". The $2 coin has a bust of her royal highness, Queen Liz II and is affectionately referred to as a "toonie". Now you have a "loonie" and a "toonie".....get it ? Hello, looney tunes.

If you think that's good, take a listen to this. While visiting our northern neighbours I have collected the following jokes in the very popular question and answer format:
Q. How many seasons in Ottawa ?
A. Two. Winter and construction.

Q. How many seasons in Quebec ?
A. Two. Nine months of winter and 3 months of late fall.

Q. How do you make an old Canadian happy ?
A. Tell him a joke when he's young.

Q. Why are Canadian politicians like diapers ?
A. They have to be changed often for the same reasons.

O.k., o.k., stop groaning. These were the best they had to offer except for the one about the refrigerator truck driver from Newfoundland and the one hundred penguins. This one will, for obvious reasons, not appear on my family oriented website.

We've reached a nadir in caravan thrills this week, hence a need for diversion. I'll be back to normal as soon as the medication begins to work. If all this drivel has given you a headache, please call my nurse for an appointment. We'll schedule an M.R.I. and provide a diagnosis. I may have to paint a sign for you.

Dr. C.